I rarely get philisophical like this here, but here are points to ponder for those who are separated/in the process of divorce/married, but looking for something more or just plainly fooling around.
A gripe I've noticed are men/women who were caught by someone who didn't divulge their marital status. It is people's feelings you mess with.
If I had known he was married, then I'd have distanced myself immediately. Now I set boundaries and told him I can be nothing more than just a friend.
Separated and process of divorce still mean you are married.
I have a guy in the process of divorce interested in me. It only came to light recently that he is still married. Needless to say, I told him exactly what my stance is and that he messed with my feelings. This after I thought he is interested and single. I am attracted to him, BUT that does not mean to entertain anything, because his wife is entitled to him, not me.
He then said he can imagine me and him to which I replied:
Imagination after a while may no longer suffice. It leaves you with unfulfilled expectations and then empty finally with regret for what could have been or loss of what you had. He then asked about faithfulness.
I responded: Faithfulness is up to you. Your choice whether you are going to toss the chance of living a rare and true love. A fear perhaps that you can have it which means becoming naked in who you are. To live is a choice, to die is inevitable. Difference is what amount of living you die with.
He was stunned and impressed. It did make him think though.
Has anyone gone or is currently in a scenario like this? What did you do?
I rarely get philisophical like this here, but here are points to ponder for those who are separated/in the process of divorce/married, but looking for something more or just plainly fooling around.
A gripe I've noticed are men/women who were caught by someone who didn't divulge their marital status. It is people's feelings you mess with.
If I had known he was married, then I'd have distanced myself immediately. Now I set boundaries and told him I can be nothing more than just a friend.
Separated and process of divorce still mean you are married.
I have a guy in the process of divorce interested in me. It only came to light recently that he is still married. Needless to say, I told him exactly what my stance is and that he messed with my feelings. This after I thought he is interested and single. I am attracted to him, BUT that does not mean to entertain anything, because his wife is entitled to him, not me.
He then said he can imagine me and him to which I replied:
Imagination after a while may no longer suffice. It leaves you with unfulfilled expectations and then empty finally with regret for what could have been or loss of what you had. He then asked about faithfulness.
I responded: Faithfulness is up to you. Your choice whether you are going to toss the chance of living a rare and true love. A fear perhaps that you can have it which means becoming naked in who you are. To live is a choice, to die is inevitable. Difference is what amount of living you die with.
He was stunned and impressed. It did make him think though.
Has anyone gone or is currently in a scenario like this? What did you do?
Having gone through this ordeal myself, I did not pursue anyone during the process of separation, disentangling our lives, etc. While there was any possibility of reconciliation, I was not willing to date. My ex-wife began dating before the divorce became final. Realizing it was all but over and that my actions would not injure her in any way, I began to date again, and was very upfront about my status. It did cost me a couple of potential dates with women I really admired and wished were a little more flexible about the circumstances, even after freely and cheerfully answering all their questions. I would ask a separated woman, "Romantically, is he out of your life?" and proceed depending on the answer (and reaction to the question).
Having gone through this ordeal myself, I did not pursue anyone during the process of separation, disentangling our lives, etc. While there was any possibility of reconciliation, I was not willing to date. My ex-wife began dating before the divorce became final. Realizing it was all but over and that my actions would not injure her in any way, I began to date again, and was very upfront about my status. It did cost me a couple of potential dates with women I really admired and wished were a little more flexible about the circumstances, even after freely and cheerfully answering all their questions. I would ask a separated woman, "Romantically, is he out of your life?" and proceed depending on the answer (and reaction to the question).
Interesting topic, and one that I am currently living myself. Long story short, I met my husband when he was separated from his first wife and we dated all throughout that process until they were divorced. We were together for 8 years, married for 6 and have a beautiful 2 year old son. Now, we are the ones that are separated.
Why? Because over those years my husband came out of his denial and "discovered" that he is gay. We are still great friends, I support him and he now lives with his boyfriend. But we are physically separated, not legally. Mostly for medical & spousal benefits, he still loves me and wants to take care of me. Our relationship is over, and we are living our separate lives.
I have no idea how long we will remain legally bound on paper, but does that mean I should not move on with my own life? That I cannot date, have a relationship, have sex? I am curious about what others think about this. I have a lot of love to give, I'm not bruised, or jaded. What would you do?
Interesting topic, and one that I am currently living myself. Long story short, I met my husband when he was separated from his first wife and we dated all throughout that process until they were divorced. We were together for 8 years, married for 6 and have a beautiful 2 year old son. Now, we are the ones that are separated.
Why? Because over those years my husband came out of his denial and "discovered" that he is gay. We are still great friends, I support him and he now lives with his boyfriend. But we are physically separated, not legally. Mostly for medical & spousal benefits, he still loves me and wants to take care of me. Our relationship is over, and we are living our separate lives.
I have no idea how long we will remain legally bound on paper, but does that mean I should not move on with my own life? That I cannot date, have a relationship, have sex? I am curious about what others think about this. I have a lot of love to give, I'm not bruised, or jaded. What would you do?
This is a very interesting topic and so true, indeed. I perfectly agree with you in not going further with someone separated. That person is not yet fully detached from the former relationship. Yet, there are so many women who move-in with men who are only separated. Is not good, but their patience to go through all the bitter of a divorce together with the man they live and love, will be in the end prized. I do not agree with that lifestyle but is very current indeed.
Regards, FMS.
This is a very interesting topic and so true, indeed. I perfectly agree with you in not going further with someone separated. That person is not yet fully detached from the former relationship. Yet, there are so many women who move-in with men who are only separated. Is not good, but their patience to go through all the bitter of a divorce together with the man they live and love, will be in the end prized. I do not agree with that lifestyle but is very current indeed.
sorry Gen..nothing will ever change my mind on this issue. We can agree to disagree. no biggie.Last word,,, whatever a person gives up to be with someone who is not free,,they DO give up something.
sorry Gen..nothing will ever change my mind on this issue. We can agree to disagree. no biggie.Last word,,, whatever a person gives up to be with someone who is not free,,they DO give up something.
HI Sept...Ive heard of stories just like you said and thankfully, I ve avoided that sort of Drama my entire life.
Women tend to be soooo naive and blind when it comes to love.HE WONT protect you from the law and his spouse because he cant.NO matter what a man ( and to be fair here,,women too) tells you,,if hes still married in any way shape or form the LOSER is going to be YOU on way or another.
HI Sept...Ive heard of stories just like you said and thankfully, I ve avoided that sort of Drama my entire life.
Women tend to be soooo naive and blind when it comes to love.HE WONT protect you from the law and his spouse because he cant.NO matter what a man ( and to be fair here,,women too) tells you,,if hes still married in any way shape or form the LOSER is going to be YOU on way or another.
OK first off Mike I owe you and apology and a thank you...I to was one who was against dating separated guys until recently when I was hit by a 2x4 (wow that hurt) for I realized I had already did that was involved with a separated man (didn't know till his wife showed up at my door!!) so sorry for judging and thank you for helping me see it... so now my way of thinking has changed a little but the reputation of guys has only changed a little for most people lie..
as for being separated for ever??? I don't see it that way for I was common-law married ..my state accepted it but we moved ( yes I relocated and lived with someone and would do it again for the right man only this time a contract would probably be enforced) since NC does not recognize common-law I'm stuck with my name on a house I don't live in ( no lawyer will touch it either) and went from financially comfortable to destitute??? poor??? which ever you prefer...since the relationship was controlled and abusive I have lost a part of me so when I get that back I will be financially comfortable again for one of my talents was finances living above my means and succeeding was offered jobs but they wouldn't hire me cause I never knew how I did it...it was natural so the short of it is yes I would consider separated for the right guy and of honesty depending on the situation of course as for the question if you have been seperated for a long enough time most likely you won't go back the longer the seperation the better the chances of going back are less
OK first off Mike I owe you and apology and a thank you...I to was one who was against dating separated guys until recently when I was hit by a 2x4 (wow that hurt) for I realized I had already did that was involved with a separated man (didn't know till his wife showed up at my door!!) so sorry for judging and thank you for helping me see it... so now my way of thinking has changed a little but the reputation of guys has only changed a little for most people lie..
as for being separated for ever??? I don't see it that way for I was common-law married ..my state accepted it but we moved ( yes I relocated and lived with someone and would do it again for the right man only this time a contract would probably be enforced) since NC does not recognize common-law I'm stuck with my name on a house I don't live in ( no lawyer will touch it either) and went from financially comfortable to destitute??? poor??? which ever you prefer...since the relationship was controlled and abusive I have lost a part of me so when I get that back I will be financially comfortable again for one of my talents was finances living above my means and succeeding was offered jobs but they wouldn't hire me cause I never knew how I did it...it was natural so the short of it is yes I would consider separated for the right guy and of honesty depending on the situation of course as for the question if you have been seperated for a long enough time most likely you won't go back the longer the seperation the better the chances of going back are less
justvisiting...Your story is very interesting, and does give credence to why one would be extremely cautious, even reluctant to date someone who is ONLY separated. This is certainly not the case in Canada. Thank Heavens! I think it would be prudent for individuals who date someone who is separated and not divorced, to check the laws in their State.
justvisiting...Your story is very interesting, and does give credence to why one would be extremely cautious, even reluctant to date someone who is ONLY separated. This is certainly not the case in Canada. Thank Heavens! I think it would be prudent for individuals who date someone who is separated and not divorced, to check the laws in their State.
Well i think i will stick my 2 sense in here...LOL Maybe 4 cents!.. I stay away from men who are separated and or getting a divorce or even not ever married(the most dangerous). BUUUUUT then i have come across some exceptions to that rule. There are times when a divorce will take many yrs. Sometimes it's for financial reasons. Other times it is because one or the other wants to suck the life out of someone(i met a man like this)Other times it's just because they hate each other so much one of the partners wants to make it so miserable and drawn out they succeed. In most cases one or both have already started making another life and going about daily living because there is not a lot anyone can do about another person. Are you saying that each of these people have to put their lives on hold for 3/4/5 yrs because of one insane man/woman? I will say no and heell no! If in that time someone come along and they become involved well i will assume she/he has already been told the entire story. So then it becomes a choice to them. If one or both can perserver than the day that divorce will truly be final will probably be the week they get married(given a long courtship)...:o) As long as each one has been aware of the situation from the beginning then there can be no fault for going on with their lives. It's the old saying of "until you have walked in my shoes don't throw stones" I would almost bet that if those so adamant against this had a best friend in that very same situation that the judgements would be much less critical and maybe there might be a little empathy thrown in. In situations such as this you can not categorize everyone in the same category. You would have to be walking in their shoes to do that...
Well i think i will stick my 2 sense in here...LOL Maybe 4 cents!.. I stay away from men who are separated and or getting a divorce or even not ever married(the most dangerous). BUUUUUT then i have come across some exceptions to that rule. There are times when a divorce will take many yrs. Sometimes it's for financial reasons. Other times it is because one or the other wants to suck the life out of someone(i met a man like this)Other times it's just because they hate each other so much one of the partners wants to make it so miserable and drawn out they succeed. In most cases one or both have already started making another life and going about daily living because there is not a lot anyone can do about another person. Are you saying that each of these people have to put their lives on hold for 3/4/5 yrs because of one insane man/woman? I will say no and heell no! If in that time someone come along and they become involved well i will assume she/he has already been told the entire story. So then it becomes a choice to them. If one or both can perserver than the day that divorce will truly be final will probably be the week they get married(given a long courtship)...:o) As long as each one has been aware of the situation from the beginning then there can be no fault for going on with their lives. It's the old saying of "until you have walked in my shoes don't throw stones" I would almost bet that if those so adamant against this had a best friend in that very same situation that the judgements would be much less critical and maybe there might be a little empathy thrown in. In situations such as this you can not categorize everyone in the same category. You would have to be walking in their shoes to do that...
Smilingnhappy...if you meet and date someone, and both of you are equally very attracted to one another...my question is...how long can you hold out to not have sex? Weeks? Months? Years? Sometimes that is how long it takes for a divorce to happen.
Smilingnhappy...if you meet and date someone, and both of you are equally very attracted to one another...my question is...how long can you hold out to not have sex? Weeks? Months? Years? Sometimes that is how long it takes for a divorce to happen.
yes mike,,she IS guilty of adultery too. I didnt make up the rules,,or the terms, or the laws or the morals.
and believe it or not..on the vast majority of issues..I am quite liberal.Its just that THIS topic wreaks SO much havoc in people's lives. You can NOT deny THAT part.
yes mike,,she IS guilty of adultery too. I didnt make up the rules,,or the terms, or the laws or the morals.
and believe it or not..on the vast majority of issues..I am quite liberal.Its just that THIS topic wreaks SO much havoc in people's lives. You can NOT deny THAT part.
Yeah, that's right Barb. And adultery in the Bible is the only scriptural grounds for divorce. This state follows the Bible in that regard, I guess. Fortunately I get to use the adultery clause to waive the one year waiting period requirement, and get to get it all over with faster.
BTW - thanks for the referral. I wll contact him. You're the best!
So, since I am still in "Seperated" status myself, I can't have sex... but is it ok to meet and date? Or is that not even appropriate, even if they re made aware of my specific schedule for having signed papers completed?
Yeah, that's right Barb. And adultery in the Bible is the only scriptural grounds for divorce. This state follows the Bible in that regard, I guess. Fortunately I get to use the adultery clause to waive the one year waiting period requirement, and get to get it all over with faster.
BTW - thanks for the referral. I wll contact him. You're the best!
So, since I am still in "Seperated" status myself, I can't have sex... but is it ok to meet and date? Or is that not even appropriate, even if they re made aware of my specific schedule for having signed papers completed?
I empathize. I am separated. My wife says she wants to sign something, but never does.
Are there absolutes, in dating, and ethics? Or is a sliding scale?
Some advice I have had:
A female (doctor) acquaintance, says, "Finish one relationship, before one starts another. Period."
A female social worker (married friend) says - dating while one is separated? Happens all the time!
My lawyer (separated and dating) says - punitive divorce, due to dating, after separation, has "gone by the boards" in modern law.
Religion: Not to be sacriligious, but that ancient writer, Paul of Tarsus, advised followers of "THe Way" to stay unmarried. But, if they had, where would CHrisianity be, today? (and the rest of the world) But, then, Paul was said to have an aversion to women.. No such problem, with me...
So,is it an evolving issue? For so many women that I see in the workplace, the live-in elationship, and the babies come first, the marriage, several years down the road.
There is no "scarlet letter" attached to this custome, unless perhaps in the community of the far right. (And, even there, "things happen", and if the outcome is good, the prelude is downplayed.) The surprising thing is, in many common law marriages, (as it is with my daughters), it is the Woman's request, to be unmarried!
So, go figure. Myself, in spite of fantasies, I believe my basic OS (formed in the 50s) would prevent me from getting "intimate" until I was divorced. But, is smiling, and winking, allowed?
For a monogamous male, that wants to be monogamous, I make my case.
Larry
Mike:
Thanks for your brave non conforming words.
I empathize. I am separated. My wife says she wants to sign something, but never does.
Are there absolutes, in dating, and ethics? Or is a sliding scale?
Some advice I have had:
A female (doctor) acquaintance, says, "Finish one relationship, before one starts another. Period."
A female social worker (married friend) says - dating while one is separated? Happens all the time!
My lawyer (separated and dating) says - punitive divorce, due to dating, after separation, has "gone by the boards" in modern law.
Religion: Not to be sacriligious, but that ancient writer, Paul of Tarsus, advised followers of "THe Way" to stay unmarried. But, if they had, where would CHrisianity be, today? (and the rest of the world) But, then, Paul was said to have an aversion to women.. No such problem, with me...
So,is it an evolving issue? For so many women that I see in the workplace, the live-in elationship, and the babies come first, the marriage, several years down the road.
There is no "scarlet letter" attached to this custome, unless perhaps in the community of the far right. (And, even there, "things happen", and if the outcome is good, the prelude is downplayed.) The surprising thing is, in many common law marriages, (as it is with my daughters), it is the Woman's request, to be unmarried!
So, go figure. Myself, in spite of fantasies, I believe my basic OS (formed in the 50s) would prevent me from getting "intimate" until I was divorced. But, is smiling, and winking, allowed?
For a monogamous male, that wants to be monogamous, I make my case.
Yep Geniek, gotta give him that. He's listed as single and is very upfront with what he's wanting, but he doesn't like his lady friends to ask too many questions hahaha!
Geez thanks for the warning buddy!
Yep Geniek, gotta give him that. He's listed as single and is very upfront with what he's wanting, but he doesn't like his lady friends to ask too many questions hahaha!
Geez thanks for the warning buddy!
What is love? Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you. :)
